feeling of helplesness

don't you just hate that?

I certainly do. the weirdest weather you could imagine happened today.
the temperature much lower than yesterday, strong wind, one minute raining cats and dogs the very next sunshine! and we've observed rainbow, in the middle of October.
so the mixture of darkness, golden light everything.

and I feel so exhausted helpless hope is gone and so are all good feelings that kept me alive for last week. and they are all gone for no reason. well maybe there are good reasons, who knows?

I am just stuck in one piece of my mind; that piece is called India. looks like my whole so-called real life is an illusion, a dreamless sleep. a period of waiting without living. I realised not so long time ago, that I just spent this whole year! I just spent it, now it is gone and there is nothing left. completely empty time. void. meaningless. terrifying!

so now consider my complaining closed- for now.
yeah I wonder how long am I going to deal with this. am I really that strong or am I really that stupid.

good bye my good people. love you all.